Dear Customer

Dear Customer:

Thank you for contacting ((BUSINESS NAME HERE))). I apologize, for the thousandth time, for the fact that:

A) We didn't reply to you quickly enough. We have 22 people on our small email team, and they are working overtime just to keep up. But they are not keeping up, because India dumped 5,000 emails on us in one day. And everyone has Out of Office replies, and there are 5,000 Mail Delivery Failures, and there are so many junk mails, I cannot count them all. I myself am helping to lead this team, and am so sick I am barely conscious, yet I am here at work because, my obsessive work ethic does not allow for days off. I just had a small vacation, after all, after which I was specifically told by management that I can never, ever leave again (ahh, it's nice to be needed).

B) You feel that our customer service sucks. Newsflash: Customer Service EVERYWHERE sucks. If I hear one more clerk tell me "You're Welcome" when I thank them for ringing up my sale, I may take a baseball bat to their face. Note to Clerks: YOU THANK A CUSTOMER FOR SHOPPING WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES. YOU DO NOT ACT LIKE A POMPOUS ASS AND SAY 'YOU'RE WELCOME.' Because I HAVE BEEN a clerk, for YEARS, I understand how one should behave. Customer Service has become completely invisible in today's society, due to the fact that no one has respect for their common man (woman). But that's another rant for another day.

C) You
1) Did not get your rebate
2) Did not get your order
3) Did not get your refund
4) Did not get whatever the hell else.

Please be patient as we search through the 5,000 different databases and systems we have here in an effort to help you. It's not that we don't care; it's that we are possibly the most inefficient department ever to exist. But yet we try. Hard.

In conclusion, we apologize for any shortcomings and will work with management to make changes for the better. But wait, managers don't have time for associate development!!! What's that??

We do hope you'll shop with us again, and won't tell The Attorney General, the BBB, your lawyer, and 30 of your friends about your terrible experience with us. I like my job, after all (I do?), and I have bills to pay. My Dream Job of being a writer hasn't quite panned out, because I couldn't market myself if my life depended on it.

But I'm not bitter, and you shouldn't be either. Life is like a box of chocolates, after all: Sometimes it just makes you throw up.

Sincerely,

I've Just About Had It
Customer Support
((YOUR BUSINESS HERE)))