Oh, I Am Fortune's Fool

I cannot believe my lack of fortune here. I'm just sitting there, on the shelf, minding my own business, thinking about the brilliant plays my namesake has written, when this huge man with glasses and apparently no ability to shave grabs my package (not THAT package) and I am suddenly thrown into darkness. It seems I am in some kind of box, traveling on bumpy terrain. It's not a completely lonely trip, however. I hear someone next to me panicking and breathing quite erratically, so I ask the obvious question:
"Ho there! Are you okay?"
I get a reply: "They promised me an out! They PROMISED! I can't survive this. I can't breathe so well."
Me: "Dear sir! Remain calm. We shall be calmed when we reach our destination. Tell me, sir, what is your name?"
Voice: "You can call me Ed. Ed Poe. And you are?"
Me: "Will. Will Shakespeare. I wonder to what foreign land we travel?"
Ed: "I don't care. I just cannot be trapped alive in this dreadful box!"
Thankfully, this fellow quieted, as we seemed to have ceased to move. Soon after, we saw daylight. Before I could protest, I was placed in an open space, and I saw Ed for the first time. He looked rather ghastly, dressed in black and as pale as a ghost. He looked at me as if I were a ninny. We were soon joined by a colorful array of characters. I shall recreate our adventure here for you, dear reader.

Me: Ed, it appears we're alone here. Perhaps we can explore this new land.
Ed: I need a drink. God help me. Get off my shoulder, Raven!
Han Solo: Did someone say they needed a drink? The Cantina's right in the next room. We don't exactly have a building, per se, but the whole crowd is there-Wuher, Greedo, Snaggletooth...
Scully: Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
Luke in Stormtrooper gear: Oh, Hi! Yeah, I guess I am. Who are these new people, anyway?
Mulder: Scully! There you are. Junior needs you. Who's that?
Scully: I don't know, but he looks 'dark' to me. I like it.
Mulder: Wha?
Wampa: raaaaaaagggaaaaaaaa!!!
Mulder: Scully! Proof of alien life! It's the Abominable Snowman! Look!
Scully: Wha??
Mulder: Well? Did you see him?
Scully: I was looking at Ed.
Mulder and Han: ED????

Superman flies in.
Superman: What's the problem here, folks?
Scully does not know who to stare at, Supe or Ed. She picks Supe.
Me: What kind of motley crew is this? I'm confounded.
Ed: DRINKS, I SAID!
Mulder: There are NO problems, hotshot. Go fly into the sun, you sissy in tights!
ALL: MULDER!
(Mulder walks away, fuming)
Heavy, mechanical breathing approaches. Ed takes off for the next room.
Darth Vader: Luke...Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father...Wait. God D*** it! What's my freaking line?

Me: I cannot believe we have landed here, Ed. What shall we do? Ed? He's gone.
Jean-Luc Picard: I say! Bard! Have some Earl Grey with me, will you? I am an avid fan of your work, you know.
Me: At last! Someone I can understand. But wait! Someone else approaches.

I see from a journal amongst us that our apparent owner's name is 'Marty Mitchell, Nerd First Class.' But alas, I do not know what a 'nerd' is.

Ed and I have since been subjected to inane dialogue, such as:

"Don't tempt me! Or I will throw this book at you!"
"Did I mention that this is the new 'attack' quill?"

Ed: "I wish I were on the Annabel Lee sinking about right now."
"I will destroy my enemies with my gloomy eye!"
"Look for the upgrade: 'Now with coffin!'"

I told Ed, "Enough with the buried people."
He tells me, "Enough with the stabbings and the deaths of the main character."
If only Charlotte were here. She'd probably get us all in line.

I must go now, for fate has put me here on the shelf, next to books by my namesake and Mr. Poe. Well, at least I have Ed for company. And at least Ed has drinks now.

Have an illuminating eve,
Shakespeare (action figure at last!)