Peril at Knife's End

(Or, The Return of Will and Ed)


Will: Blast! Where the deuce am I?

Ed: And why do you speak like Stewie Griffin?

Will: Who the bloody hell is Stewie Griffin?

Ed: Hell if I know. But I enjoyed our trevails in the dark box.

Will: You WOULD, you coffin-obsessed vagabond!

Ed: Come on now, Will; it was nice to have some peace and quiet, was it not?

Will: I suppose. I had much time to compose one of my greatest works.

Ed: Aren't they ALL 'my greatest works,' you overblown ninny?

Will: Oh, Posh!

Cartman: Hey you guys, what's up?

Ed: Hello, son. It appears we have a young boy amongst us, Will.

Will: I can see that, thank you. (Still huffy at being called a ninny) Tell me, young man: Can you act? I may require a female part for my latest play.

Cartman: What the hell? You don't seem to be RESPECTING MY AUTHORITAY! Screw you guys; I'm going home.

Will: But--

Cartman: Screw you guys. Home. (Cartman points toward a room and leaves)

Will: What an odd young man. And quite vulgar.

Ed: Is it Happy Hour yet?

Thursday K. Next: I sure hope it is, 'cause this makes no friggin sense.

Ed: My! What a raven you are! That gives me an idea. I have poems to write. I'll be back.

Will: Poems! I can write them in my dreams! In fact, I can write entire plays made up of perfect poems! So there! Sorry, Miss. Ed, he is crochety. How did you come to be amongst us?

Thursday K. Next: Well, it's the damndest thing. I was in my classroom, right, minding my own business, inhaling my mocha grande latte from Fourbucks, when I took pause. The science fair was going on across the way in the science labs, and I smelt an odd smell. I turned just in time to feel a slight electric buzz. Before I knew it, I was this small. One of my students (who will receive an F minus infinity for shrinking his freaking English teacher!) ran in and yelled, "Holy Crap, I shrunk Thursday!" Well, the wisenheimer with him says, "I always thought Thursday was a long-ass day." (That's another F minus for YOU, too, you bastard!) So, I was frantic, as no one seemed to be able to help me. Luckily for me, a friend of mine was visiting, and with her eagle-eyes, found me. "Well, aren't YOU the cutest little English teacher I have ever seen!" She exclaimed. I yelled, "You just wait till I get normal again! My knives will kick you ASS!" Well, she did not take kindly to such words, and stuffed me in her purse. I just now managed to crawl out.

Will: My!! Such a tale! You will like it amongst us. Ed and I are a peaceful lot. And the others in there, they only fight amongst each other.

Thursday K. Next: Never fear, Will. I have my trusty knife. I'm not afraid of anybody.

(heavy breathing)

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never TOLD you what happened to your father...

Will: Who in the blast is Obi Wan? Sounds Japanese.

Thursday K. Next: Oh my! Mr. Vader. (Thursday kneels in subservience; it's DARTH VADER for God's sake!)

Lightsabers clash as Luke pops in to defend Thursday. Thursday backs away from that scene.

Thursday K. Next: Ok. Maybe I AM afraid of ONE guy.

Out of nowhere, Christopher Marlowe bolts in, and grabs Will by the neck. Will looks positively afraid and very ninny-like. Thursday sighs.

Thursday K. Next: Ok, that's it. In the words of Phoebe from Friends when she was breaking up a catfight between Monica and Rachel, "I'm gonna kick some ass!"

Thursday K. Next pulls her knife out and jumps, landing in a perfect ninja pose. Her eyes turn steely as she contemplates what the world will lose if Will is hurt.

Thursday K. Next: Is this a dagger which I see before me, The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.

Will and Marlowe stop mid-struggle.

Marlowe: A dagger of the mind, a false creation, Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?

Thursday K. Next: Who are YOU calling 'heat-oppressed?' Unhand him!

Marlowe lets Will go immediately, afraid of the Dark Woman in front of him.

Will is in shock. And quite pale. As his color returns, lightbulbs go off in his head.

Will: Despite the calamity this situation has caused, I like this dialogue.

Thursday, tired too of Will not understanding who/what he is, loses it.

Thursday K. Next: It's from MACBETH, God Damn it! I KNOW THIS FREAKING PLAY LIKE THE BACK OF MY FREAKING HAND! I TEACH IT TO KIDS YEARLY! I AM A KICK-ASS TEACHER, TOO, AND THEY ALL KNOW IT! Sheesh!

Shocked, Marlowe runs away. Will decides he likes the title 'Macbeth.'

Thursday, angered that she has still not thrown her knife, storms off looking for a fight. She's on a Phoenix-from-X-Men rant at this point, ready to find more target practice. Her Rachel Ray Rules poster in the kitchen is shredded worse than a bag of shredded cheese.

Black Cat: Meow.

Thursday spins around, ready to defend herself. She loathes cats, especially strange ones. But, she cannot throw a knife at a cat. Damn the Animal Rights people!

Thursday K. Next: Go away, vile animal! I'd take a million puppies over you anyday!

Said cat just stares, and, being moody, pouts and walks away.

Just as Thursday thinks she might explode from the tension, she sees her perfect target. Somehow, in a toy department in Hell, someone made an 'Ann Coulter' action figure.

Thursday K. Next: Well, it's not Hillary Clinton, but it'll do!

Coulter: Blah Blah Blah Godless Blah Blah I hate people Blah Blah Screw the minorities Blah Blah Liberals are Satan Blah Blah

Coulter, oblivious in her own pure ignorance, does not even hear Thursday approach. Like a panther in the jungle ready to pounce on it's prey, Thursday leaps and lands just behind Coulter, where her trusty knife does its best work yet. Yep, that blowhard won't be blowin' any time soon.

Smiling like Angelina Jolie after a good 'knifery' session, Thursday returns to Will's chosen spot.

She hears a growl behind her and turns, knife still at the ready!

GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Thursday K. Next: CHEWIE!!!

She's so glad to see a friendly Wookie, she hugs Chewie hard. She starts straightening her clothes and hair as she sees Han approach.

Han Solo: What's goin' on here, Chewie? Can we be of assistance, Miss?

Thursday K. Next: Oh Dear Sweet Jesus.

Han, being the rogue he is, smiles at her obvious lustiness, and holds out his arm for her to take.

Ed comes back, slightly high on opium.

Ed: But Miss! What about you getting bigger? I don't mean your weight, for God's sake, because you've got to be a size four! No potato sacks! But I mean...what do I mean?

Will: He means, my dear, what of your other life?

Thursday K. Next: That can wait.

And with that, Thursday K. Next puts her knife away. For now.

Will: And what of this adventure? Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.

Ed: Did you tell this tale, Will?

Will: Shut up, Ed.

(Disclaimer: Any likeness to actual persons in this story is unintentional and completely absurd.)

(Disclaimer 2: I do not, repeat DO NOT own an 'Ann Coulter' action figure. But I do own the others.)

(Disclaimer 3: No animals or action figures were harmed in the making of this skit.)

(Disclaimer 4: The 'real' Thursday would like to add: "This is the biggest load I have ever read, and is not true to my character.")


:)